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Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I've been thinking a lot lately about delusion, and it's been causing me oh so much frustration.  

When I was in college studying film I worked on the first and second seasons of American Idol as a lowly production assistant.  (That's the very bottom of the production food chain, if you didn't know.)  But since I had casting experience I got to assist with the producers' round of casting.  When the "real" judges were there the next day, however, I was demoted to logging tape for Ryan Seacrest's camera (and Brian Dunkleman in Season 1 - 'member him?).  

Anyway, during Season 1 I felt really bad for these people that were coming in there thinking that they were totally awesome and then making utter fools of themselves.  We were told to pass them on to the next round of judging if they had the "X-factor", meaning they were either extremely good or extremely bad.  

So the next day when we were shooting the judges' round at the Sons of Herman Hall (crazy that it was such a tiny venue), I called my then fiance Michael and was like, "I'm feeling really bad for being here.  There's this British guy judging who's being so mean and making everyone leave crying!"  

The next season, however, we were shooting in Austin, and I felt no mercy at all (well, a little, but not much).  These people had seen the first season.  Simon Cowell was a household name by this point, and they should have known what to expect.  And yet the crazies still showed up!  I remember this one kid was saying that he was a wizard, so the producer that I was working with told him to come the next day before the judges with his cape and pointy hat on.  When I saw him wandering the halls the next day looking like a cartoon, I couldn't believe it!  How could he be so deluded!  

ANYWAY!  I've been wondering about the areas of my life in which I'm deluded.  The frustration, however, lies in the fact that there's no real easy way of finding out.  If you ask someone, they're not going to want you to feel bad, so they'll lie to you, furthering your false sense of awesomeness.  How many of those crazies from American Idol had moms who told them that they had beautiful voices?  

If I ask you guys what you think about how I (fill in the blank), then I'm sure I'd get a handful of people that would be so sweet and encouraging and tell me that I'm so great at said thing.  But if I'm really not that great at it, the people who would probably be honest would likely not say anything because they didn't want to be rude, especially when other people were so "nice".  Furthering the delusion.  

The solution to delusion eludes me.  I hope you weren't expecting the golden key to the solution at the end of this post, because I don't have it.  :(  I guess that's what keeps us humble.  

Do you have the golden key?  If so, please share!


  1. I thought the Facebook comments were worth sharing:

    Aimee: There's a healthy sense of self-esteem and then there is delusion. There is a line there, but it is different depending on the circumstances. It is a difficult one, I agree, but I'm pretty sure if someone is worried about being delusional then they probably aren't.

    Andrea: My solution is to be willing to be friends with people who aren't afraid to tell the truth. I am a truth teller but soon realized that people don't like to hear the truth. I have lost enough friends learning this lesson.

    Diane: You research whatever you think you are deluded about. With people and other sources you trust...meaning The Lord first.

    Daryl: Andrea, keep speaking the truth, especially speaking it in love!
    about an hour ago

    Daryl: And cuz, I agree with aimee if u were deluded u wouldn't be asking that question! Hang in there, u r a great mother, a great sister, a great daughter, a great wife, a great niece, a great aunt, a great granddaughter, and a great cousin!!! Basically I could have summed it up by saying u r just GREAT!! More importantly u r a great child of GOD covered by our Lord's blood and will forever be blessed!!!!! I love u cuz!!
    about an hour ago

    Michael: Maybe Daryl is just being nice. How can you tell? :)

    Daryl: Haha, I think u r being delusional Michael!! I'm always nice, well most of the time :) haha hope all is well

    Annie: Y'all made me laugh! Thanks, Daryl. You are nice! Andrea, I agree. I really value honesty in friendships. I don't really make good friends with people-pleasers because I never feel like I can trust them. You can always shoot straight with me! ;)

    My issue, though, isn't if I'm a good person. I'm pretty confident in that. My issue is in things like if I'm good enough at something to pursue it at a greater level. I won't give you real examples, but hypothetically speaking, let's say I think I'm pretty good at graphic design so I start trying to sell my services. Turns out I'm just below par and probably should have given away my services. I guess, though, that I'd figure out that I wasn't as good as I thought I was when I didn't get any repeat business. So if I don't have an Andrea in my life, speaking truth to me, then my evidence would be in the fruit of my efforts.

  2. Oh Annie.... you are just furthering my paranoia :)

  3. This post has definitely made me take pause. I think that is just great, and important. To re-evaluate and try to realistically try to navigate through the encouragement/positive but fake words and find the reality behind it. I often wonder about small things like opening an etsy shop---I always come to the conclusion that it is a delusion and that I am too scared to do it....see maybe I am on the other end of the spectrum I always assume that I AM delusional.... hum! Anyways thank you for making me think! I am glad we are blog friends and like I said I have a feeling I will be learning a lot from you!

  4. p.s. if you really are good at graphic design and like say made your blog header and background and everything I would totally want you to do a blog makeover for me!!!! Just sayin!!!!

  5. I think about this ALL the time...especially in regards to my blog and other writing. I think the important thing is to not care so much about whether we are "awesome," and to just keep doing what we love. :)

  6. Kate, welcome to my crazy mind! Haha.

    Jaime, yay! Thanks for following!!! No, I wish I could claim this design, but it's actually a template I found that my talented graphic artist friend pimped out for me. Hehe.

    Sarah, you're right! Life's too short!

    So in case anyone's wondering, I wonder often about my singing voice (ooh, I feel so exposed, but no one ever reads comments, right). I have served on worship teams at churches for about 12 years now, but this church that I'm at now seems none too impressed (the worship leader, that is). So do I give up my favorite means of serving in a church because I don't want to think more highly of myself than I ought or do I look for another church that I'd be able to serve in that capacity? I don't know.


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