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Sunday, August 29, 2010

Little Miss Perfect

So Michael is sick, and I'm tired and losing steam after only 21 weeks of pregnancy, and my house is a MESS!  I've been doing really good just to get the dishes done each day, and that's only because I hate to hand wash sippy cups.  The perfectionist in me wants to just ignore my fatigue and get this house cleaned up, but trust me, I've tried.  The energy is just not there, and there's no way that I can will it into existence.

So as I've mentioned here, I've been doing a lot of introspection, soul-searching, personal inventory, whatever-you-want-to-call-it lately.  And one of my huge discoveries is that, as it turns out, my propensity toward perfectionism stems from my desire to control my life so that I don't repeat history and end up with the same screwed up family in which I grew up, instead having the perfect June Cleaver life.  (Interestingly enough, I never watched that show - too annoyingly unrealistic for me.)  And when something gets in the way (like, uh, life and reality), I get really frustrated and depressed.  I did a lot better at letting go of some of that control when I was on Zoloft, but I figure that now is a great time to work on it sans medication since I'm trying to not have to go back on it unless necessary after the baby is born.

Michael will be thrilled with this belated confession since he's been saying that for years in not so many words (or maybe it was verbatim, but I refused to listen).  It was something that I just had to learn for myself, though, in God's good timing.  I also just kept thinking that he was trying to get out of keeping the house cleaned up or the yard mowed - blame it on my neurosis...convenient.  I still think he does lean on that informal diagnosis a bit much, but I'm sure there's a meeting-each-other-halfway that can be attempted.

So anyway, if you come over unexpectedly and my house is in shambles, know that I'm working things out.  ;)

4 comments :

  1. Oh...Ms. Annie, you are so hard on yourself. I was just over and your house looked great! AND, you look awesome.

    If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

    Guess, the cleaning lady will be coming in sooner than later :O)

    Hang in there and let others help you whenever they can. (something I had a hard time doing while pregnant) but wish I would have just accepted with a smile. :)

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  2. Ugh. MY house is in shambles and I'm not pregnant. All it took for me was getting sick and knocked off my schedule for a few days in a row. I'll catch up one of these days:)I hope.

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  3. Annie, You have a husband who adores you and calls you "the love of my life", two little boys who are clean, well-fed, well-rested and also adore you--they light up when you enter the room. You must be doing something right. Your house is clean and it is a beautiful home for your family. You live out the poem about "babies don't keep". Be gentle with yourself. Love you, Ann

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