So lately I’ve been really dissatisfied with life. Downer, I know. Michael and I were talking about it the other night for a really long time. We were trying to pinpoint why I wasn’t doing that great. There were a few reasons that I identified, one or two of which I won’t tell you. The first of which was that I don’t feel like I have a creative outlet or a thing that I like to do outside of kids or the house that makes me feel like myself. My therapist a while back said that it’s really important for mothers to have that, to not lose our identities solely in motherhood because then you feel totally utilitarian and you may even start resenting your kids for taking your life away.
So I was trying to come up with stuff to do, and I kept finding roadblocks. I was thinking about it, and it’s like I’ve completely forgotten all of the things that make me feel alive. Then I remembered singing. ‘That’s right, I really enjoy singing and worship leading, and I feel really alive when I’m doing it.’ So I tried to venture down that path, but the worship leader at our church is kind of dragging his feet on letting me sing. I don’t know why, but I think the ministry might be a little oversaturated at our church. I feel like walking up to him briskly, pulling two fists full of his shirt and saying, “Look, you don’t know how much I need this!”
The big thing that I felt was missing from my life was simply a connection with God. Michael wisely said that this should be my first point of focus because, “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” I was really excited about that, but I was also a little overwhelmed.
Having kids necessitates a reinvention of many of ones relationships. A marriage relationship most definitely needs to be redefined when you have kids. It’s no longer just the two of you. Friendships have no choice but to be redefined. You can’t just go hang out whenever you feel like it or stay out until all hours of the night (like I always did – ha ha).
So I think that mothers (and fathers, for that matter) need to realize that our relationships with God will be different once we have kids, too. Having a solid chunk of time to read scripture, pray, play guitar and sing, etc. seem a thing of the past. I’m lucky to pray while I’m in the shower or while I’m nursing and dozing off to sleep. And whenever I do have a minute to myself, my mind is so full of clutter and task lists. And whenever I pick up a bible or another book to read, it’s quickly grabbed out of my hands and nearly torn by my 14 month old. I don’t think I need to keep stating my case, because if you’re a mom, you surely know what I’m talking about.
So I’m re-reading this book called The Busy Mom’s Guide to Spiritual Survival. I’m hoping that I can actually implement the things I’m learning in there this time. But most of all I’m hoping that it really sinks in that having a relationship with God isn’t about doing. I don’t have to do a whole bunch of stuff to be in right standing with Him; Jesus already took care of that. I just want to love Him because I love Him and because He’s worthy. He is, y’all. : )
I was laying in bed a little while ago putting Levi to sleep, and my mind started racing again about friendships (another thing on my mind, as you could see from my last post). I had invited one of the SAHM’s from the hood to this kids’ thing, and she said she couldn’t do it. So I was just like, ‘Forget it! I’m done with them! It’s official!’ But I reminded myself that I’m not even going to trouble myself with all of that or any other friendship stuff because I’m going to seek God first and let Him handle the rest (the rest - as in my whole outlook on life). That brought me so much peace. Ahhh, such joy and contentment in surrendering to Him! On that note, I’m going to bed.